wang

note: as a child i never watched mtv, vh1 or any other show that would have exposed me to music videos (new or old). in fact, it was remarkably late in life that i discovered music videos and have been fascinated by them ever since.

ok so first off, this video is fucking bonkers. i can't believe i'd never seen it before. everything about it is pretty much the most terrible. like, i really -- i don't even know where to start. let's set the scene. the video seems to primarily consist of a man dressed like a talbot's model, but singing to you like he thinks he's wearing a vampire cape. seriously, his mom probably saw this video and said "well now, that's where my good wool sweater went!" his teeth are weirdly pointy and he's just swishing his arms around while his legs remain motionless and he makes very awkward eye contact.

it's like having a drunk coworker serenade you at an office karaoke party and everyone is trying to pretend he's just singing "lady in red" for fun. but you're in red. and he's about 4 inches from your face. just staring. it doesn't get any better though.

 behind him are two violin players, just playing along and hav-- wait, no. they are not actually playing. at all. in fact, they're not even doing a good job PRETENDING to play. jesus christ, guys, you can't even keep the bow on the strings? who are you -- my 3 year old nephew? at least when a kid does it it's cute. this is just infuriating. they're acting like they took lessons from a cartoon character.

   

that would be like if a director told two actors to have sex in a scene and the guy just took out his limp dick and bopped it around on top of some lady's ladyparts like "yo i got this." WE KNOW IT'S NOT REALLY HAPPENING. YOU DON'T EVEN SEEM TO HAVE THE SENSE TO PRETEND CORRECTLY. ok, ok -- maybe i'm looking harder than the average viewer, right? to which i offer this:

they are fighting with their bows like they are swords. some heartbroken prop guy is watching the monitor having an asthma attack like "hey fellas, come on, i brought those from home!"

and you know who i bet loved that little joke? the actual dudes who played the strings on that track. i'll bet they were off stage, watching this shoot going all, "you guys made the right call leaving us out! this looks great!" aside from the bad playing, these dudes are just totally fucking creepy. that never helps. unless, again, vampire costumes were involved. then it would just be part of like, some standard package.

   

 ok, so maybe this video is supposed to be sort of ... spooky? like in a "modern vampires visit 'The Men's Wearhouse'" kind of way? so obviously the natural next move is to splice in old footage from the 40's and 50's of people dancing around swimming pools. you know, like you do. oh and also, one million home videos of, you guessed it, lots of tiny babies. at this point i think the director straight up lost his mind after trying for 23 consecutive hours to make the fuck-up twins look like they were playing the violin. i'm sure he was trying to make things less creepy, but you know, adding old footage of naked babies to the simmering pot of weird-soup we had already going on wasn't maybe the best call? i mean, do you want that creepy fucker with a violin we just saw singing to your baby? fuck. no.

still, even that theory wouldn't explain what goes on at the end of the video. let me walk you through it frame by frame:

   

wizard of oz characters "playing" saxophones (again guys, look alive for the love of god)... 

 

...and then some dancing with flash gordon at a new years party...

   

...a corpse-y dead scarecrow takes a sax solo...

   

...slow mo witch...

   

...naked babies in the ocean. FIN. 

 woah, good save guys. for a minute i was worried this whole video would play out like some nightmarish child molestation fantasy. thank god that didn't happen.